Zoe Winters, Paranormal Romance Author

Right now I’m reading a quite interesting book called: “The Baby Matrix” about challenging the assumption that everybody needs/wants to have babies. And so this, of course, is making me think about my views on this issue, which I do periodically, as well as about choices some of my characters in the Pretverse make over the course of the series.

“Baby Rabies” is when a woman, usually in her thirties, suddenly develops the inexplicable NEED to have a baby. Many people call this the “biological clock”, and for some women it seems to tick quite loudly. I’ve done a lot of research on this topic because it interests me. I guess from a sociological perspective I find it fascinating how horrible pregnancy, child birth, and parenting sounds (to me at least) but yet, how glowy and amazing and “all worth it” it can be presented to the population at large, and how many people go for it based on the fantasy/myths versus actually thinking it through and then still deciding to go for it.

When I was a still a kid I decided that I didn’t think I wanted any children. Of course the assumption was always that I would (by everybody but me.) My mom and grandmother would sometimes say: “Just wait til you have children some day.” It was never even a question of whether or not I would choose to be a mother or not be a mother. It was just an assumption. I was female, so of course I would procreate. Duh. The environment I was raised in, it was just understood that a married woman who wasn’t a mother had something wrong with her body that wouldn’t “let her” have children, and was to be pitied. I mean, nobody came right out and made these direct statements, it was just one of those background assumptions we all took for granted. People couldn’t really fathom this as a legitimate “choice.”

Thankfully all members of my family are supportive of my decision now. They have finally gotten to the point where they’re like “Well, I guess she really doesn’t want children.” I’ve been the black sheep for awhile and there are so many issues I’m so different from them on, that now just about anything makes them shrug and go: “Well, that’s Zoe.” They’ve now put all their hopes and dreams on my brother and his wife… who want 4 babies… God love them.

As some have pointed out, birth control was never really intended to give women the choice not to have babies, but just power over “when” to have them. We were still all socially expected to get around to it eventually or remain single to justify our childfree existence. Or have something “wrong with us” that everybody was supposed to pity. Bad eggs, bum fallopian tubes, etc. etc.

But the whole procreating concept just never really appealed to me. As I grew up I maintained the viewpoint but all my family around me would say: “You’ll change your mind some day.” It was assumed that when I was “mature enough” or “found the right man” or “got married” or whatever… that of course… I would want to reproduce and make some mini-me’s.

However, everywhere I went and everything I saw pretty much made this idea seem less and less appealing. I mean, do you ever go anywhere where you don’t see some haggard-looking parent yelling at their kid and some kid acting like a mutant or neanderthal? It’s ubiquitous. And yet this is what I was expected to devote most of my “good years” to?

Now don’t get me wrong, I love the hell out of Miles [my BFF's kid], but as much time as I spend around him and as much as I love him, the time I get to hang out with him reinforces for me that I am right that raising a kid isn’t for me. I like challenges, but I have my limits. And, also… since I realize MOST of you are probably parents—given that it’s the cultural norm and all… let me say: I have nothing but RESPECT for what a parent goes through. You have the hardest job in the world, and that’s exactly why I haven’t put in my resume for it. I don’t envy you, and I wouldn’t trade places with you, BUT I respect you. I don’t think you’re stupid or wrong. I’m just glad it isn’t me. That’s just a mild disclaimer so we all can stay friends.

As a child I, and probably many other people, were given the mixed message of: “You can do what you want when you’re an adult and you’re making the rules” and “Someday you’ll understand when you have kids”. Well, how do you get to make the rules and do what you want if your life is scheduled by a small child and their wants and needs and limitations? (i.e. not every venue or activity you might want to do is child-friendly… like bungee jumping and five year olds. Those things aren’t mixy.) How do you go where you want and do what you want when you have financial and time commitments to that child that never end?

When I got married to Tom, I assumed they must be right… “some day” like maybe five or six years down the road, after we’d had sufficient alone time (whatever that means), I’d of course want to make a little version of me and Tom. But, each year I wanted to do that less than the year before. It was actually kind of a relief for us both to have the conversation where we decided, no… we just don’t want to procreate. While I like kids, making my whole life revolve around one (or more), just doesn’t interest me and never has. It was a huge weight off me to be able to just admit that, have an open conversation about it, and let that issue be settled. And I was extremely grateful to find Tom reach the same conclusion. (Nothing would have sucked more than us not being compatible there, because it’s a deal breaker issue for me.)

But before that, the assumption by everybody I knew was always that I would contract a case of the “baby rabies”, but now that I’m getting into my mid-thirties this dread diagnosis has not materialized. After much research on the subject (because what woman wants to suddenly become a slave to her biology and lose all her reasoning capabilities, making life-altering choices based on nothing more than hormones—instead of what she wants?), I determined that my opinion is: human beings have no “drive” to procreate.

We have an evolutionary drive to have sex. Children often result from that drive but they aren’t the thing we’re all “biologically” driven to do. Baby rabies, instead, IMO, is culturally and socially driven by all the expectations and messages sent to us over and over both subtle and blatant that just “assume” all normal adults will make parenthood a primary focus in their life.

And don’t get me wrong. Parenthood is valuable. Kids are valuable. Kids can also be awesome and hilarious. I totally get that. Miles can be funny as shit, and sweet and adorable, and so I see the appeal for some people, I do. And we kind of do need SOME kids, but on a planet with 7 billion people, a lot of us can safely sit this one out! I’ll sit it out so those of you who want them can have room to have babies here. Yup, I’m just that generous.

At any rate… I do have a point here, which I’m slowly making my way to. Given my personal stance, you would think that none of my characters would have babies. Since I’m not particularly attracted to the idea of pregnancy or childbirth or child raising, you’d think nobody would have babies in my books. Alas, that is not the case.

Though they don’t really get baby rabies so much as… shit happens. But, it’s a little different in the Pretverse.

In a human lifespan, having children, which will change your life forever and seriously impact your finances and lifestyle for about 2 decades… is a BIG commitment… much more than a puppy. (Can I get a “No, Duh” here?)

But in the Pretverse, these characters have such long lifespans that raising a kid is a drop in the bucket for them. It’s not taking up that much of their whole lifespan. It’s not the same kind of life impact as it is for us regular human folk. So yeah… there will be some pregnancy and babies in the Pretverse. But you shouldn’t interpret this to mean I’ve somehow contracted baby rabies. It serves the greater story arc, they didn’t plan it, and it won’t take that much time out of their existence.

And if you’re interested, check out “The Baby Matrix”, it’s a really interesting book. It’s not there to make people feel bad for making other choices or to pressure people not to have kids, but to open a dialogue. I think it shows a lot of progress that we may be FINALLY reaching a point where a girl/woman can legitimately question whether she wants children EVER, not just whether she wants them right now.

I really love stories where a villain becomes a hero or a hero becomes a villain. I like to see characters make unexpected changes and go in directions you didn’t see coming. Like, I won’t say “Spike” on Buffy or Damon on Vampire Diaries, because I sort of saw those coming, but for Buffy fans, who would have guessed that dorky little watcher Wesley with his nervous little stutter would turn into such a morally ambiguous bad ass? In season three of Buffy he was a joke. In season five of Angel, I wanted him in the naughty way.

A big theme in the Pretverse… in fact, the central theme of the Pretverse is: “Everyone is the hero of their own story.” But that makes many of them the villains of other people’s stories. Cain is one such character.

He’s introduced briefly as a morally ambiguous character in Mated, and is the villain in Save My Soul. There are hints that he isn’t pure undiluted bad even as early as SMS. After all, the reason for his villainy in SMS is to help free his brother from a curse, as misguided and amoral as his methods sometimes are. There is still something noble about the cause.

The Catalyst (coming in a couple of weeks! Book trailer here.) isn’t “Cain’s book”, but he does get a few POV scenes where we can get inside his head. And he plays a big supporting role to those cast as the heroes of the piece. It’s sort of Cain’s “save the cat” book, where a bad guy does something kind of good that starts a shift in the audience toward accepting them as a hero. There is also a little bit of set up with Tam, because Life Cycle, the book I’m writing currently, is Tam and Cain’s book. (Which I’ve been waiting to write forever!!)

I knew while writing Save My Soul that Cain would be getting his own book, I just didn’t know who exactly his mate would be. When I found out the secret Tam had been hiding, I knew she was the one. She is the only human who can drop him like a bad habit with one of her fancy glowy energy balls, after all. That kind of woman in Cain’s life is a complete novelty for him.

In my world the incubus/succubus don’t sleep with their own kind, let alone take them as mates. The only true mating bond they can form, is ironically with a member of the species that serves as their prey… humans. The man upstairs enjoys irony.

They technically can produce offspring with a therian species, but it’s banned because of the things that result from that sort of thing, but they can’t do a true mating with anything but a human. Ordinarily they can’t even feed from a therian, though there is an interesting exception due to some already-in-place magic in The Catalyst.

With Cain being thousands of years old, there are few humans he can come close to relating to on the level necessary to want to take a mate. Not that he wants to be tied down that way. Or so he says. (STILL! But he’s caving as we speak, of course.)

Most of my heroines have a lot of vulnerability. I’m not generally drawn to the female character who can kick everybody’s ass. I like my males alpha and not whipped, and I generally like my females a little damsel-y. So even if she’s a badass, the guy is going to have to be more badass than her, or it does nothing for me.

But Tam is… well… she’s Cain’s match. He should just surrender now. Maybe he’ll listen if I Skywrite it.

When I move on and stop arguing about something, I sort of get tunnel vision. I pretty much stop going to all the places where people are arguing about things I think are stupid. So I become unaware that argument is still happening until something random pops up in my Twitter and I realize that people are still fighting about this shit.

I’ve learned in my history of Internet usage that people will argue passionately and angrily about the most banal topics under the sun. It’s not just writers. Fandoms argue. Sports fans argue. People argue about religion (one of the stupidest things to ever argue about since nobody knows!). People argue about sex and what’s “normal” and what’s “weird” and what makes you a “total deviant”. And this is just a starter list.

It’s like there is something in the human brain that can’t quite grasp that there are 7 billion people on this planet and we all think differently. So somebody disagreeing with you and even calling you a stupid poopieface, doesn’t mean anything except that you probably don’t want to be BFF with that person. Stop talking to them and move on. No matter what you think, somebody will think you are stupid or wrong or an asshole for having a different opinion. There is no one right way to think about anything. And if there were, there would be no empirical way to prove it because we are all subjective participants in this wacky thing called life. None of us is standing objectively outside of life without any biases or blind spots. It’s a circle jerk.

When I first decided to go indie 4 years ago, it was a big deal at the time (To me). Now it seems like the stupidest thing on the planet to debate (Again, to me). It’s like arguing about whether or not Paris Hilton’s dog is cute. Who cares?

Four years ago I was fighting an uphill battle. Most people told me I wouldn’t make any money, I should show more confidence in my work and do it the “right way” (with an agent/NY pub/etc), and that it was a foolish move that would mark me as an amateur and make people think I couldn’t “get” a publisher.

But by this point… I think self publishing at least something is just plain common sense. Hello, digital revolution? Basic math? I know ten years ago ebooks were never going to happen… but Kindle and Nook and iPad have broken out in the mass consumer market to the point that pretty much everybody who knows what a cell phone is, knows about ebooks. Given that ebook distribution is not an issue for the indie and you make more money per book, and you’re really out there in the same pool as the big dogs, really… what is there to think about?

I get if someone doesn’t “want” to self publish, or doesn’t personally feel it’s something they have time or energy for, but is anybody still arguing about its validity? Apparently these little battles are still raging in author circles all over the interwebz. (Which probably explains why I avoid these bru ha has now.) Color me confused.

I decided for sure to go indie the day I learned many NY pubbed authors still had day jobs and couldn’t live just off their fiction. If I was going to “work for somebody” I was going to be making a living or forget about it. Since the odds seemed so bad of making a living going the traditional route, I decided indie made more sense for me. It seemed like something that I could make a living at more quickly.

I stopped caring whether anybody thought I was “valid” when I reached that “making a living” goal. (Now the goal is to “maintain a living” and “keep growing my readership and backlist”, and “make a living for a decade” because that’s when I can actually toot my own horn and say I achieved something.) Once you start making a living, you stop caring what people on the sidelines say about your chosen methods of publishing. No matter how you write or publish the only things that should matter are these:

Are you happy? Are you being read? Are you making money? (If the latter is your goal. It doesn’t have to be.)

These other arguments are completely masturbatory and beside the point and have literally nothing to do with happiness, being read, or making money. It’s all just an ego stroke. And believe me, it’s more satisfying when that comes from your readers.

If you find yourself pulled into these arguments, just stop visiting the places that raise your blood pressure. Soon enough, you’ll be like me… oblivious to the fact that people actually still argue this nonsense (That’s so 2007!) until a post about it pops up in your tweet stream. (Which… it was my choice to click the link and read, so… I need to do better about that! I’d like to remain as oblivious as possible about the stupid drama on the internet.)

And actually, I try to spend as little time on the Internet as possible. There is so much more to life than narrating your day-to-day existence in 140 characters or less.

I hear a lot of people say they want to be a writer some day. I get emails about it from readers who tell me about their dreams of writing. Some day? Why not today? Here is what you have to do to be a writer: You sit down, and you write some words. Then you do it as frequently/consistently as possible in something that vaguely resembles some type of routine. If you write today, you are a writer for today. You have to re-earn the label each time. If you just take a day off here or there, you can probably keep the label. After all, lots of people are off two days a week and take 2 weeks of vacation a year and they can still legitimately lay claim to the title of whatever their profession is.

Some people who don’t write but who want to still say that’s what they do, like to use terms like writer and working writer as divisions to indicate whether or not one is active. But the term implies an activity one is engaged in on a somewhat regular basis. “Working writer” is redundant. If you’re a writer… you’re a working writer. By definition.

Then there are other people who tack the word “real” to the front of “writer” and come up with all these hoops you have to jump through to get into their club and be validated. (Most of the people who create these hoops aren’t writers to begin with. They are authors. But I will get to that in a minute. One can be both an author and a writer, or one can be just one of those things.)

In my opinion (and it’s only my opinion), calling oneself a writer is a label/title you earn only when you actually do it. If you go 8 months without writing, you aren’t a writer with “writer’s block”, you simply aren’t a writer during that time. Writers WRITE. They don’t just think about writing, plan to write, or talk about that book they wrote that one time seven years ago.

To be called a writer legitimately, you don’t have to be published or famous or a bestseller. You don’t have to have thousands of hardcore fans. All you have to do is write. And you don’t have to write a giant amount of words for hours at a time or brilliant words or the “right” words. You don’t have to “suffer” for your art or “bleed on the page” (that’s very unhygienic).

If you write only 250 words every single day, you have more claim to that label than a lot of people who day after day choose not to sit down and put down words, for whatever imaginary reason. You can always write SOMETHING. It might not be publishable. It might not be good. But you can write something. ANYTHING. If you write for 20 minutes a day, you’re a writer. If you go a year without doing it… you’re not a writer until you start writing again.

I might get hate mail… from people fuming that they are WRITERS goddammit… but if they are angry it’s probably because they haven’t actually written anything in a long time. Don’t get mad about it, just write some words. It’s also important to note that “writer” doesn’t mean “artist”. What one writes MAY be art or it may NOT be art, but that’s not for the creator of the work to determine. That’s for the audience to decide. How “good” or “talented” someone or their work is isn’t the issue on the table here. The issue is simply doing the work required to call oneself a “writer”.

Let me ask you this: If you almost never bowl or dance would you self-reference all the time as a bowler or dancer? You might say you bowl or dance sometimes or it’s something you enjoy on occasion, but you wouldn’t try to make it a part of your personal identity if you weren’t actually regularly engaged in the activity. Yet being a “writer” is a huge ego thing for a lot of people, yet they rarely actually do it. So it becomes awkward like a person who bowls three times a year calling themselves a “bowler” as if it’s an important part of their identity. Something you never do cannot be an important part of your identity. It may be who you want to be, but it’s who you are when it’s who you are. And it’s surprisingly easy to make it who you are.

If this post makes you defensive, sit down and take 15 minutes to write 250 words. It can be a flash fiction piece about a know-it-all paranormal romance author who gets hit by a bus. It’ll be cathartic, then you can say you’re a writer today. I can’t take that label from you. Only you can take that label from you by not writing. This post is meant to be inspirational to those who write me these letters about how much they love my books and they want to be a writer some day–not judgmental. It just is what it is. Write some words and pick up your daily writer badge. Then wear it with pride until tomorrow where you get to do it again. If that sounds like torture to you, maybe you don’t want to really be a writer. Maybe you just want to be an author.

Author is a whole other animal. A lot of people think the word “author” is more prestigious than “writer”, but it’s easier to be an author than it is to be a writer, especially in the age of self-publishing. All being an author means is… you’ve written (and it’s generally understood that you’ve also published) a piece of writing, like a book.

So you can write and publish one book your whole life and be able to legitimately call yourself an author until the end of time. You never have to open your laptop again, or sit down with a pen and paper, or however you do it. You never have to create more words. You did it that one time, so if you just want the street cred of calling yourself an author, write and self-publish one book and then get on with your life. At every party you ever attend you can now legitimately say: “Oh, I’m an author.” People will put a lot of stock in this. Some may be impressed or envious. You don’t have to do anything else ever again but smile and bask in your authorhood.

But if you want to be a writer, you have to actually write. Regularly. I’ve been an author since I published Kept, but I’m only a writer on the days I actually write.

My blog is subtitled: Zoe Winters, Paranormal Romance Author, because that’s a fact. It will never change. But I’m not always a writer. I try to be, and right now I’ve got a good streak going where I can legitimately call myself that, but if I fall off the wagon I lose the right to that label.

I’d rather be a writer than just an author. It’s the bigger challenge, even if the outside world puts more stock and awe in “author”.

I respect writers. I respect anybody who sits down and does the work. You never have to publish a single word. If you write every day, you’re just as much a writer as I am. You’re just as valid as I am. So if you want to write, what the hell is stopping you? It’s not exactly a high bar to be able to lay claim to this label, but it’s a bar surprisingly few reach with any level of consistency. And since it only takes a few minutes for you to pick your label back up, there’s no reason to be angry or defensive about it. Just do it. I think a tennis shoe company said that one time.

So, I’ve gone 11 days solid on both my “summer of dresses” challenge (nothing but dresses and skirts except for specific activities that require other clothing til October first. It’s a personal fashion challenge. And just the kind of weird shit I do for convoluted reasons often known only to me… or explained in great detail in other very long-winded blog posts which you forgot because you were so bored.)

So that’s awesome. And I have to tell you, on the occasions where I have to wear shorts or jeans… like to go walking or something… it feels weird LOL. (like power walking which looks ridiculous in a dress/skirt. I don’t want to look like a religious extremist here, it’s just a personal experiment.[And I'm spiritual, but not really religious at all... the entirety of my moral values can be summed up with: don't kill people and respect the free will of others. I prefer not to make it complicated.])

AND 11 days solid on my words first challenge… which is… on writing days, writing words first (with a daily quota of 2,500), no excuses. No shower, no leaving my house, no internet etc. until words are done. Writing days right now are every day until a book is done, then I get a week or so off. Actual length to be determined by me but definitely no more than 2 weeks, and part of that last week if it stretched that far would be devoted to plans/outlines for the next book.

There are a couple of areas that I’m neglecting. Fitness and diet. Writers often fall into bad habits in this area and I am no different. I’d like to add some sort of eating-related challenge at some point, but I think it would be more productive to focus on fitness first so that I’m not overwhelming myself with too many different challenges.

I ordered some more “monkey shoes”. When I got my first pair, almost nobody was wearing them or knew what they were. Now I’m seeing them a lot more frequently, which is cool. The other pair I had got lost during the move, so I ordered 3 more pairs to get me back into activities like sprinting and such that I was doing before when I had them. These shoes make me WANT to run. And I definitely need to rebuild my energy and cardio endurance.

On the monkey shoes front I got one pair that is for “barefoot running” indoors because it’s a super minimalist shoe. Although I hate shoes and only wear them when it would be completely socially inappropriate for me not to, I still wouldn’t run without any kind of protection on my feet because I’m just not that hardcore. Then I got another shoe for running that is still the same type of shoe but is more for outdoor terrain. That way I can be as minimalist as possible when I do my sprints indoors or on soft grass, and the other shoes in other situations.

Then I got a third pair that is good for climbing over rocks (like at the river), running, being in the water, etc to be my river/hiking shoes.

So the next challenge I want to add on top of the Summer of Dresses and Words First is… a daily sprinting challenge in June. Because I have less motivation for exercise challenges I’m doing it for a month. Once I get that far I should hopefully have enough energy/motivation to keep going. I’m not going to attach a number of sprints or time amount onto this. It’s just important that I get out there every day and do it. (Technically sprinting is running at top speed for 10 to 15 seconds. I’ll probably be doing something at a halfway mark either on time or speed. Just whatever I can do without feeling like I’m going to die until I build my stamina up. Sprinting is harder than it sounds… 10-15 seconds seems like nothing until you’re going full out.)

I do know, though, that sprinting builds energy and endurance faster than any other cardio exercise I’ve ever done. I generally start feeling a lot more in shape within just a couple of weeks, whereas other programs like walking can take much longer.

So, that’s the plan. We’ll see how it goes. I’ll also be doing bellydance and swimming again now that the weather is warmer, and I’ll probably try to mix in some weight training once I get going. I just need to get back in the habit of not sitting on my ass all day. It’s not even about vanity. It’s not “I want to look hot in this or that”. It’s… I don’t want to feel like I’m about to drop into a coma by mid afternoon. I want to have the energy to go through my day like a normal person.

I know diet will have to change to, but I’m not really wired to eat healthy first THEN exercise. The more I exercise, the more I naturally crave healthier food. So if I make my focus the fitness stuff and just be “aware” of what I eat, without pressuring myself, I’ll be back to fruit and veggies and lean meats and off most of the sugar within a few weeks.

ETA: Oh, and lest somebody think OMG sprints daily!!! That will tax your CNS!!!… calm down. When I say “sprints” for June, it’s not SPRINTS. I’m so out of shape at the moment that actual SPRINTS would be horrific. When I get up to that level… I will be cutting back to 2-3 sprint sessions a week with other types of activities on other days like bellydance, walking, hiking, swimming, yoga, etc.

When I say sprints, right now for this challenge, I’m not talking hardcore training. I’m talking “play”. Intermittent bursts of speed followed by less speed. Like… what you get playing basketball, or like what Miles gets when he runs around the yard and then takes a little breather, then does it some more. Nobody would say: “OMG Miles can’t play today… he’ll overtrain.” He’s three. He’s just playing. So am I. The point here isn’t to be a supermodel or a top athlete. The point is to have more energy and PLAY more. I think sprint-type play is more natural to the human body than sustained steady-state cardio. It’s also more fun. If/when I get back into “serious sprinting” I will be doing it by the books… i.e. no more than 2-3 sessions a week.

Just thought I’d throw out that disclaimer for anybody hyperventilating here.

Those who have followed my blog know that I’ve experimented with a lot of different ways to get my words in. I’ve done 1k a day… trying for 365, which at the time I didn’t have the self-discipline for because I saw no breaks in sight, even if it wasn’t a high word count, it still felt daunting.

I’ve tried chunk writing… where I’m writing 5k a day or more to get the first draft DONE as quickly as possible and then no writing while doing things like editing/formatting.

Now I’m trying something else: 2,500 a day until a book is finished, then a week off from writing. But during that time, I’d still be doing things like edits/formatting/marketing/whatever needs done in addition to the words. I didn’t used to think I could do these things simultaneously BUT… if I stick with one pen name at a time, I think I can, especially the way I have it structured right now, where I’m writing first thing in the morning.

I used to say I wrote first thing, but really I would “just check email real quick”. When I have ANY human interaction before writing my words… I get all involved in other people’s drama and stuff I have to do for the day. My mind gets off track. I’m thinking about thirty different things. Then I end up checking other things like facebook and twitter, and then maybe a few websites on the Internet. And before I know it, it’s evening, Tom’s home, and I have no genuine peace to write in. By that time, my energy is flagging and any word count at all feels like pulling teeth.

Now, I actually DO write first thing in the morning. No Internet at all. No IMs. No emails. No TV. No going outside my house. No shower. Showers are what you earn when you write words, bitches! If I want to do anything besides stare at the walls, I do my words. (It’s pretty funny that I can’t work for other people because I’m like my very own drill sergeant, except that I don’t get up at 5 am.)

Now generally, if I work this way, I can get my 2,500 quota done in 90 minutes to 2 hours. That might seem fast, but a big part of getting word count is clearing away the mental clutter so you can get in that zone. AND being organized… having some vague idea of where I’m going. When I’m writing there are no other people in my house. My door is locked (and my doorbell doesn’t work. Push it all damn day, I don’t care). My phone is off. My internet communications are all shut down. It’s what I said about I may as well be writing on the moon. So there are no external distractions.

I also have an outline. I know basically what’s happening before I sit down to write anything. I have a word count target (which I won’t get up until I hit… if it takes me the normal 90 minutes or 4 hours… it’s getting done when I set my mind to it. Given that… it’s better to just push through and write, rather than stare at my screen. I use the Focus Booster app to help me stay on target and not get distracted by bright shiny.) And I have a list of “today’s goal” which is what needs to happen in the plot for the day. (sometimes I have more plot written out than I can get to with my word count quota, and that’s fine. I basically just need enough road map to get me through the day.)

Now, lest it be misconstrued, this is not me going: “OMG look how awesome I am!” Like every other writer, I have struggled with self-discipline, with building the stamina to do strong word counts daily, and all the rest that every writer struggles with. I get that the time it takes me to write words sounds insane to a lot of people, but it’s because of the environment I’ve structured for myself, and how well-organized I am. I’m not just writing random shit. And my story surprises me. And I laugh and cry while I write. I feel a lot of what my characters are feeling when I’m writing it. That’s what happens in flow when you’re connected to that “whatever it is” that makes story magically happen. I just try to strip away all the “suffering artiste” bullcrap so I can get that channel open and get the words out with the least amount of angst possible.

I know where I’m going, because I took other time that wasn’t writing time to do that… and… I have several creative cycles going on at once. (i.e. LOTS of books percolating while I’m writing one, so when it’s time to shift to the next book… I’m ready.)

But this is a choice I had to make, to shut all that shit down so I can write. I also have the LUXURY of this being my full time job and not having kids to contend with. Will I be able to maintain this writing schedule long term? I don’t know. I hope so. But if I can’t, it’ll be an issue with my self-discipline, not because it’s an “impossible task”. Writing, especially early in the day, energizes me. I’ve only done this new structure for 8 days, but it’s been 8 days straight and I don’t feel any kind of “fatigue” about it. I’m excited about my book and it’s all systems go at the moment.

I also know I can probably do this because I’ve done it before. One year for nano I did almost twice the word count in one month. That was 3,000 words a day. And when I missed a day, I did 6,000 the next day. 6,000 is where it starts to get a little rough for me, so it was bigger motivation to do my 3k and just get it done.

With a full week break in between books to recharge, I should be able to do it. We’re talking 20-26 days of concerted daily effort at a clip, depending on which pen name I’m on. Less if it’s a novella instead of a novel. That’s hardly digging ditches. But we’ll see how it goes. I really like this method so I’m hoping I can maintain it long term. If I can do it for 3 books straight, I’ll know I’ve found my method.

I’m not turning this blog back into the indie rah rah hour. I decided I wanted to move in a different direction and focus more on my fiction, and I still feel that way. However, I’m less intense about the issue. Lately I’ve been doing some writing-related posts which I’m sure attract fellow writers. But I’m a writer, and as a writer, with a blog… sometimes, I’m going to talk about writing. Though I think at the time, it was important for me to make that firm division so that I could separate me who writes fiction from me who has random opinions about writing and publishing. Without that firm division I might still be running all over the Internet running my mouth about shit.

Granted, I want my blog to appeal to my READERS and not primarily to fellow authors, but… at the same time I’m not as anal about the topic as I used to be. I guess because I don’t see my blog as a giant sales tool anyway. There are two types of people who are going to follow my blog consistently: 1. Other writers. (no escaping that unless I NEVER talked about writing, but in discussing my own work I will be… talking about writing.) 2. The hardcore fans.

Hardcore fans probably don’t mind reading the occasional thing about my thoughts about writing or publishing or marketing my work. I don’t want to do it so often they’re changing the channel, but I digress. I mean, are my readers really THAT enthralled with me talking about my cats or how I’m only wearing dresses and skirts until October 1st?

If my blog is about me, then writing and publishing is a big part of me. With comments turned off… it can’t turn into a big debate here or a writing hang out where readers don’t feel welcome, so… I feel more free to post about what I want to post about, whatever the topic may be.

I mainly wanted to get off the indie rah rah thing because I didn’t want to look like I counted myself a leader of some kind of “movement”. That’s too much drama and pressure and was taking away time I could devote to writing and publishing more fiction. I’ll leave that to those with more established careers than me who can afford the energy and time to devote to it.

I didn’t want to be one of those people who told other people how to do something I couldn’t even do, which was where I would be if I hadn’t made the break and focused on my fiction.

In the early days (by which I mean only about 4 years ago) I did debate and discuss the topic a lot because so many people were looking down their noses at those who chose to self-publish like they weren’t real writers and barely real humans.

But I saw a big opportunity and wanted to take advantage of it while I had the chance. I still deeply regret all that time I spent arguing that I should have spent writing. I would be farther along right now if I hadn’t felt compelled to be part of a “revolution”. But… that’s neither here nor there. I learned that lesson and now I’m moving forward. I think I’ve grown a lot as a writer and as a person since I first embarked on that journey, and I’ve done most of that on the Internet with my opinion du jour following me around as I go. That can be a good thing or a bad thing.

I felt it was important at the time to speak up about the validity of going indie and how it isn’t motivated only because someone wasn’t “good enough” to get a publisher (whatever that means.) Now things are totally flipped around. People like Lee Goldberg who used to take a hardline against self-publishing and those who did it, is all rah rah about it now. Joe Konrath, who four years ago thought self-publishing was a foolish decision sings it’s praises and claims he’ll never take another deal. Where originally he used to think everyone should start with a trad publisher, now the reverse seems to be the case.

Dean Wesley Smith, who wasn’t gung ho about it in the beginning for most writers is now a big voice in the indie camp. Even authors with trad contracts are putting their rights-reverted backlists up on the Kindle. It’s become common sense to self-publish. I don’t even know what to do with that. Common sense to self-publish? I mean, I was sure it would happen, but I figured it would take like 10 years or something. The idea that in under 5 years most of the Internet would be whistling a different tune seemed unimaginable, and still does. Welcome to the Internet.

My next prediction (just because I always want to be predicting something for the opportunity to say neener neener later Though if I’m wrong you may throw tomatoes at me and laugh.) is that in the next few years it’ll swing back (for a lot of people) to anti-self pub talk but for different reasons because honestly, it’s a lot of work to self publish. And while I wouldn’t want to do it any other way, not every author is as enamored with the whole thing as I am. Plus, many have full time jobs and kids.

So basically I think in the next few years as it becomes clear how much work self-pub is and how a lot of people aren’t making bank, that many will want to just go back to the traditional way of doing things. I think ultimately a lot of writers are really comfortable with that way of publishing. I think it will still be “valid” to do either, but I think the rush for “everyone” to self publish will turn around again and it will find some place in the middle as one of many options depending on any given author’s circumstances, goals, and tolerance for each publishing path. I’d be a terrible trad pubbed author. I’m too big of a control freak. I want to control cover art and book trailers and the title of my book, and who narrates my audiobook and what the interior layout looks like… Pretty much everything. But other people are different from me with different goals, temperaments and obligations in their lives.

It’s not that I’m not a team player, but I have to be the one in charge who writes the checks and gets the final say on everything. It’s just how I operate. I’ve held 33 jobs (most for about 3 months). I cannot work for other people in any capacity. It’s just not how I’m wired. Other people, though, are totally different from me and would be unhappy doing things like I do them.

I’m not saying that the world is going to follow my lead and become as relaxed (and as bored, LOL) about the self pub vs. trad pub debate as I’ve become, but I do think it’s natural to be really intense about something when it’s new and maybe have a somewhat extreme position, and swing between two poles before finding a comfortable place in the middle.

Hi. Welcome. I knew you’d click that link just to see what the frilly fuck I’m talking about with this topic title.

Anyway, I’ve noticed (and I am NOT naming names) that there have been some rather public author meltdowns of late of the “Whaaa bitches don’t understand me, they hate me, they are jealous haters” variety from both new and seasoned authors. It might be something in the water, or it might be the Mayans. I don’t know.

Really, I think some degree of this is normal when you start out. Brand new writers plus… the Internet and social media = crazy. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that unfortunately a lot of us are learning about appropriate public behavior while IN public. Also, the Internet often doesn’t feel like being in public. When you first start out, your blog and such is so small that anything you say is largely going to be ignored by most human beings. At some point that starts shifting though, and you don’t really reflect on it until you’ve done something bone-headed. I think I’ve been there with both pen names.

I compare it to being three years old in a bowling alley and trying to run down the alley in your street shoes, then peeing on the bowling pins. Everybody just saw you do it. They can’t unsee it. It happened, right there in public… but… you’re three, so people cut you slack.

I mean there is a level where you cross this line into total batshit territory, but up until then there is a little bit of leeway. I know I’ve had my own prima donna moments, and at the moment you’re having them, they feel justified and just like “venting”. Though I can be thankful I’ve done nothing approaching the level of the epic shit that gets retweeted seven thousand times for people to rubberneck over. My meltdowns aren’t that interesting and are pretty tame by comparison it seems. There is also the “I’m not well-known enough” factor. The less well-known you are, the more of a crazy asshole you have to be in public before it gets all over the Internet. So there is a curve there.

I made some posts on my blog for my other pen name a week or so ago that I’m sure somebody could have interpreted as a prima donna mmoment even though it was a frustration over marketing/practical matters and not about my ego and whaaa boo hoo. Honestly, I GET not every book is right for every reader and some people will hate your stuff. And that’s normal. Some love it. Some hate it. Some are meh about it. Whatever. I just want to entertain people and make money. I don’t care about my poor wittle feelings. If I’m making money and making readers happy, I’m happy.

I’ve made a real effort (and continue to do so) to avoid reading as much “press” about my work as possible. I don’t need to know. It’ll just make me crazy. It’s normal and human to be frustrated when somebody isn’t hearing you and connecting with you. This is true if you’re arguing with somebody on the Internet or if you’re writing fiction. Human beings want to be heard, understood, and valued for who they are. That’s just basic self-actualization shit. And it doesn’t change just because you take a job where you are no longer allowed to share all your random feelings in public anymore.

But then it gets really fuzzy when you’re on the Internet. On the one hand, your blog, your twitter, and your facebook is your space. But it’s also… on the Internet. I do think it’s okay/appropriate to vent about some things in your own space if you aren’t calling anybody names or saying they are jealous haters or in any way talking bad about them. Though some might still disagree with me there. Part of why people read author blogs is to hear what authors think about stuff going on with them, so to never ever talk about any topic that might make you look like anything less than a smiling Stepford wife seems fake and stupid.

On the other hand, you don’t want to look like a speshul snowflake either. It can be a super fine line. There are times I’ve crossed that line, times I’m not sure if I have or not, and times when it’s stayed in that safe/okay zone. The risk with talking about your own work on your own blog is that at some point you’re going to say: “Well, some people are taking this from the book when I intended that” Or “some readers didn’t like this part…” (Of course the solution to this is not to read your reviews, but you still get emails.)

I feel like mostly, especially in the past year or so as I’ve started to get my feet under me… that I’ve largely steered clear of drama and speshul snowflake-itis. Though then there is the other wild card of… TONE. Things can be read in so many different tones so even if you aren’t flouncing around all dramatic-like, someone can hear snark that isn’t there.

I will say that another reason for not wanting to be a speshul snowflake is that seriously… writing is the best job in the world. I sit around and make shit up. I play in an imaginary sandbox with characters I like. How horrible. What torture. I would kind of like to do this job for the rest of my life.

I think writing is even better than being a movie star. Movie stars get stalked by paparazzi. Writers are generally not considered “real celebrities” (With very few exceptions, the tabloids just don’t care about writers, which is awesome because… ugh. But they’re right. If you camp outside an author’s house with a camera you’re going to see somebody sitting at a computer. Boring. It’s only exciting to the writer while doing it.) Also, movie stars have to wake up super early, spend hours in a make-up chair, and then reshoot the same scene 30 times while their fellow actors screw up their lines and think it’s cute. No thank you.

Though, I do get the distinction that just because *I* think writing is more awesome than acting… and quite possibly the MOST awesome way to make money… that I am biased. Movie stars may think I’m completely stupid and lame for saying that. (Not that movie stars are trolling my blog.)

But to bring it back to the topic… author meltdowns may be a sign of the apocalypse. I hope you have enough canned goods.

Sometimes as a writer, I have to be out-and-out rude. I hate doing it, but… I’m working. People don’t respect that. They don’t get that if you are at home sitting in your PJs typing words that that’s work. I mean, books don’t write themselves. If I want to get paid, I have to write words. People don’t get that an interruption can cost you a lot more time than you have blocked out for writing.

I used to write in smaller time blocks with breaks, but I found that it was hard to start each session and just made the whole thing more torturous… plus I had to re-read again and get back in the zone. And it was just too much drama. So I try to do my whole daily word quota in one sitting, now. And it seems to be working well for me.

Normally when I write I make sure there is no email open, no instant messengers open, and my phone is off. Also, luckily I can’t even hear the front door when someone knocks on it (sometimes this is annoying, but not when I’m writing), and my doorbell doesn’t work, so they can push that button all damn day and it won’t do them any good. Today I forgot about the phone and it was on.

When it rang, it was my mom. Against my better judgment I answered with: “I’m writing, I have to call you back.” If it had been Lisa it would have been: “Okay”, click. Back to work. But my mom tried to engage me in a “real quick conversation.” I said “No!” and hung up. (I know you think: “Wow, what a horrible daughter.” I love my mother. I got her something awesome for mother’s day and had it delivered to her work on Friday so she could feel all special and important. We go shopping together. We have a movie night every week. We go walking together. We’re seriously like the Gilmore Girls. I just can’t talk to her when I’m writing.)

During writing time, somebody better be dead if you’re calling. Actually… even then you should probably wait. If someone has died there is really nothing I can do about it. I can’t resurrect them, so it’s better not to screw up my groove and ruin my writing day. I mean… if it’s somebody I really care about I’m going to have a writing dry spell probably and a depressive meltdown, so why screw up my groove today?

Yeah, I’m insane about this topic. One of the reasons I can crank out 2,500 words in 90 minutes is because I generally write at home, with nobody here, a doorbell that doesn’t work, a phone that’s off, and all internet communications down. I may as well be writing on the moon. And it’s the only way to get the words down and get them behind me.

When I was in high school I used to get up at 5 am to write before school. This phase didn’t last super long, but even as long as it lasted my parents thought I’d been taken over by a pod person because I do NOT do mornings. But, I knew if I went to school and got all involved with my day that I wouldn’t have the mental energy to write and I would keep putting it off until the end of the day where I would be too tired. It’s better to do it first if you can.

For a long time I would rationalize that I just needed to get woken up and check my email first. But that’s a horrible idea because what would end up happening is I’d get on the internet and get sidetracked, then three hours had been eaten, then people were calling me, then I had plans and places to be, then I had to cook dinner and Tom would be home and tempted to talk to me (Because I’m super charming and fun to talk to… yeah right), then I was too tired, then I was going to bed feeling more guilty than a masturbating priest (sorry, first thing that popped into my head. I’m going to hell LOL).

So you can see where doing ANYTHING first is just bad news for me. For the past five days I’ve been doing words first. In fact, it’s become a point of pride to do as little as possible before getting my words. I throw on the previous day’s clothes and sit down to write. I “might” eat a quick snack if I wake up too hungry to concentrate. Otherwise I just dive in.

I want to see how long I can go doing this solid. I’m hoping to go solid til the end of the month. Then I’ll be on target for my Life Cycle deadline (rough draft will be finished. I need to get it to the copyeditor by July 1st, but there is a block of time for the betas and the initial edits before that.)

So these are two separate things that are occurring at the same time.

Sometime last week I decided I was totally boycotting shorts. With few exceptions, shorts look stupid on grown women. They come in two types:

1. Tiny tight little shorts where half your butt hangs out, and that look only looks good on 14-yr-old anorexic girls.

2. Long butch-y shorts that make you look like a park ranger.

Both looks are totally stupid on me. And forget capris pants also because I have these tiny horror-movie ankles and capris just look freaky on me. Jeans are too hot.

So what does this leave us with? Not a whole hell of a lot. Dresses and skirts.

I was raised fairly strict Christian so I had to wear dresses a lot growing up. I fucking hated them. Because it wasn’t just a dress. It was uncomfortable material, zippers, slips, pantyhose, uncomfortable shoes. I mean… seriously.

So I was pretty scarred and burned on the dresses concept.

But… I’ve dabbled in dresses since then. The long (and not-so-long) cotton dresses that are a little sexy but not slutty, and uber feminine and comfortable. No zippers, pantyhose, slips, high heels, or other assorted weirdness. Just comfort and cuteness.

Dresses, like spaghetti strap maxi dresses, strapless dresses, halter dresses, hi-low dresses (hem is higher in front than in back), etc. all look really good on me. MUCH better than shorts or capris… and possibly better than jeans. And they make all these awesome dresses now in these comfortable cotton materials.

I was describing one dress I ordered to Lisa and she was like “where are you going to wear that, it sounds formal the way you describe it.” And I’m like… “That’s the beauty of it… it’s got that sort of elegant awesome “look” to it, but the material is so casual you can wear it anywhere.”

Here is the dress I was talking about:

The beauty of this dress is… it’s cotton and super comfortable. In another fabric this could be a super formal evening gown, but given the casual fabric, it makes it wearable for almost any occasion: Nice date, just going out and being a person (i.e. normal shit), whatever. Especially paired with sandals.

A different fabric or a bunch of sequins and high heels would make it a formal evening gown. I’ve always LOVED looks like this, but too often they were only dressed up in those other fabrics and sequins and such so that you had to have a prom or cruise situation to wear it. So I really love this trend toward styles like this in more casual fabrics.

Forever, I’ve said that I wish Saris were a clothing “requirement” for women, because I’ve never seen a woman that looked bad in a sari:

I’ve seen short, tall, fat, thin, everything… It’s such a feminine/elegant look that seriously… you can’t screw it up. India, I salute you.

Well, a lot of the dresses I’m seeing now aren’t saris (obviously since we aren’t in India and the stupid people here won’t make this a “look” for non-Indian women), and they might not flatter “every” woman, but they still have that very elegant look that still focuses on comfort.

Right now I’m wearing a purple strapless dress made out of cotton eyelet material. In a different material, this would be a prom dress. But… the way it is, it’s a sundress. (Yes, I’m totally fascinated by this “it’s the fabric that dictates formality, not necessarily the cut or length of the dress itself.”)

So the purpose of this experiment/challenge is to see if I can do it. Obviously if I have to engage in some specific outdoor/active activity where shorts or yoga pants or whatever are required for that activity, I’ll do that. Just like I’ll be wearing swimsuits to the pool. But… for regular “clothing for the day”, I want to see what it feels like to go until the weather turns in only dresses and maybe some skirts. Maybe undo that weird aversion I developed to dresses because of the awful dresses I wore growing up—since obviously I’ve been a closet dress fan for awhile… I mean… I’ve waxed pretty poetic about them in this post.

I also want to know if it makes me feel more feminine? More put together? Do people treat me differently? (For example… I’ve had experiences where men have tended to hold doors open for me more and generally be more respectful when I wear dresses than when I wear pants… but… the events were so scattered there was no way to tell if this was really an effect of dresses without a more long term experiment.)

My goal is to wear nothing but dresses and skirts from now until October (then I’ll decide if I like the fall/winter dresses/skirt options enough to continue or if I want to hibernate for the winter in jeans like normal.)

Yes… this is what writers do with their spare time. We come up with bizarre experiments just to see how human beings behave, how we feel about it, etc. Or at least I do. Maybe I shouldn’t paint all writers with that brush, LOL.

The other thing that is unrelated but that coincidentally started on the same day is “Words First” which is what I’m calling this new thing I’m doing where I get up and go straight to the laptop and don’t open my email or do anything else but get my words done for the day FIRST.

So far, like the dresses, I’ve done this for three days in a row. The challenge here is to see how long I can go without breaking the pattern. How many days in a row can I do this before I slip up? The goal here is really to get to 21 days solid if I can because that makes it a “habit”. Once it’s a habit, it’s easier to keep doing it and it makes me a more productive writer than the more sporadic patterns I have been writing with. And I really want to make my deadline for Life Cycle without stressing myself out, and be as productive and prolific as possible without feeling like I’m running on a treadmill. And I really think this is doable, provided I can develop the self-discipline and habit of it.

So those are my two summer challenges. I’ll report in periodically on both.